Friday, October 12, 2012

A Sharia Law to call our own - Missouri lawmakers override Gov. Nixon's birth control bill veto

A Sharia Law to call our own - Missouri lawmakers override Gov. Nixon's birth control bill veto

They say this law is all about religious freedom. Oh, not your religious freedom. No, your religious freedom is null and void as it has just been trumped by the religious freedom of your employer, your doctor, and your health insurance provider. Of course this means that every health insurance provider in the state of Missouri is going to find religion quicker then a death-row inmate in Texas. But I digress.

This law actually denies you your religious freedom by allowing those already holding power over you to insert their religious beliefs directly into your vagina. And ladies, you better bite a pillow because they're going in dry. With the passing of this law, Missouri should also be required to change their state motto from "The welfare of the people shall be the supreme law" to "Oh, you're a hedonist... too bad, we're not, and you're a slut."

Ladies, it is time to send a message to our lawmakers and that message should be "Remember Lorena Bobbit? John Bobbit sure does."

Juice Box Junkies - Attention Disorder or Not, Pills to Help in School

When your car breaks down, you fix it. When your plumbing leaks, you fix it. And when your school system has failed... you drug your child as if they're a Lohan? 

One of the side effects of Adderall, besides masturbating all day, is increased blood pressure. Tell me, does an 8 year old really need high blood pressure? Can't we wait until they've at least lived through 35 years of poor life choices before they get high blood pressure? Shouldn't they stroke out over their mortgage and not their peanut butter sammich?

We are constantly making the political argument that we are leaving our kids with a ton of debt, and now we've come up with a solution to that problem, and that solution is... to simply outlive our kids.

"Darwin! Table for one." - Hong Kong woman dies after cancer 'beauty' treatment

"Darwin! Table for one." - Hong Kong woman dies after cancer 'beauty' treatment

Look, this isn't about the Chinese beauty industry nor is it about the supposed treatment that killed this poor patient. In fact, I really couldn't care any less about either. With everything going on in our own backyards right now, caring about this particular incident should rank somewhere below learning to fold thong underwear on one's own personal priority list. So this isn't about that.

It's about too many people, and too many people making dinner reservations with Darwin. What I mean is that the population of the planet has surpassed 7 billion people, that's 7 billion plus people that are fighting for the same natural resources as you. Now, human compassion tells us that they have just as much a right to those resources as you do, and to a degree, they are correct. But why should we make it easier for the dumb ones to survive? Now I'm not talking about people with special needs; taking care of those that through no fault of their own cannot take care of themselves is what sets us apart from the animal kingdom. That, and the ability to vote against our own best interests. But I digress.

I'm talking about those that choose to be stupid through either mental laziness or just plain defiance of the laws of physics. It is because of those people that I think it's time to remove the phrase "Do not eat" from shampoo bottles. It is because of those people that I think it's time to put electrical outlets right next to the bathtub. And it is because of those people that I suggest we start selling running shoes and scissors together as a set.

When I was a kid, we didn't wear helmets when we rode our bikes, we didn't dress like extras from "The Hurt Locker" every time we went skateboarding, and we played football in the street. My point is, it is time to just sit back, let nature take its course, and enjoy the show because it just might be our only hope.

Friday, November 18, 2011


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Okay, so we’ve occupied Wall $treet for almost a month, now what? How do we take this to the next level? Well first, you have to understand your enemy. You wanna know why Wall $treet was drinking Champagne from a balcony while laughing at the protest? It’s because they’re already so deeply entrenched in your gas tanks, your wallets, AND your digestive tracks that it’s nearly impossible to tell where they end and YOU begin. That dump you took this morning… brought to you by Monsanto. 

Look, it’s one thing to sit collectively in peaceful protest but now it’s time to level up. It’s time to go home sit down and do a little research. Take an afternoon and invest a few minutes to find out just how much your bank contributed to the financial meltdown.Research the corporations that make your kid’s snacks, handle your insurance, or refine your gasoline. Find out just how much they contribute to Political Action Committees and then find out where those PACs stand on issues that are important to you. Yeah, I know this seems like hard work but trust me, it’s all there on the Internet. All you have to do is sit down, fire up the computer, and convince yourself that the Internet contains more then just porn. 

Do you wanna know a secret about those people sipping Champagne on the balcony? They’re betting you’re too lazy to do this simple research… and they’re right… because they watch porn too.

Next, we’ve got to fix Congress because let’s face it, it’s as dysfunctional as the cast of Jersey Shore. Seriously, letting Congress vote themselves a pay raise is like letting Alcoholics Anonymous hold meetings in a brewery, someone’s getting drunk and then someone’s getting raped.

Look, this is NEVER gonna get fixed at the polls; the system is broken because our democracy is clogged with money. We have a pay as you go government. Lobbyists are the deliverymen of self-interest; they are the agents of agenda. They arrive in DC with suitcases full of suntans, money, and power. They whisper policy into the ears of our lawmakers as they line up their next putt. All the while knowing that the political action committee they represent is sending out another mass email telling their VERY rich members to pony up more cash because democracy is almost theirs. 

So there you have it. If you want your country back, you’re gonna have to start exercising due diligence every day for the rest of your days… or you can go back to video games, American Idol, and super sized happy meals as if none of this ever happened. Who knows… maybe there IS no spoon.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Take me to your leader

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Last weekend, Occupy Seattle disrupted a Pro-Occupy Wall Street Forum, thus driving away actual supporters. Their complaint; they didn’t like the power dynamic created by speakers on stage talking into microphones. That’s like a Christian protesting church because they’re getting the message out.

Okay, when protesters start protesting forums supporting their protest because they protest the use of microphones, well… that is when it becomes apparent that this movement needs a leader, that’s when it become apparent that it can’t be just anybody, and THAT’S when it becomes apparent that not everyone should protest. 

You see successful protesting is a lot like golf. You must first learn the etiquette before you learn the game. Perhaps these protesters could help in other ways like oh, I don’t know… shutting the fuck-up and baking cookies for the rest of us. 

It’s time for a leader. The movement NEEDS to have a face and that face needs to have a name worthy of a hearty political chant-circle. The movement needs a face with a name because we love t-shirts with catchy slogans. The movement needs a face with a name because WE… LOVE… DISSIDENT ART. 

Christ, just look what the word “HOPE” and a photoshop’d pic of Obama did in 2008. It gave America such a boner that we just couldn’t wait to rub one out in the voting booth. We had pre-vote parties, post ballot coital parties, and for a week, if you saw a sock on the ground and it wasn’t tied to another sock, you didn’t pick it up. We were happy.

So yeah, you need to pick a leader. Oh sure, this whole “We are one voice” got everybody fired up but let’s face it, as in the case I just mentioned, some of these voices aren’t quite right. But I digress.

My point is, now that you’ve gotten evicted, you still need the support of the people, and to do that you’ve got to pick a leader and take it to the next level. Letting all of this momentum go to waste would be like popping a Viagra then taking a nap. 

Look, you should have a good idea of what needs to be accomplished by now so stop wasting your time on the pleas of the vegans, the potheads, and the “Stop Moon Mining” people. 

We already know that the first things to be accomplished are getting the money out of politics and punishing unethical behavior. So can we quit stroking every cause’s dick just to make them feel good? After all, aren’t we trying to get hand-jobs out of politics?

And we can start with the Supreme Court of the United States because if anyone needs a lesson in ethics, it’s the very court that granted corporations all the rights of personhood with none of the responsibilities.

You see, A few hours after the Supreme Court met to consider hearing challenges to the national health care overhaul, also known as the “Health Insurance Profit Preservation Act”, Justices Scalia and Thomas were the honored speakers at a fundraiser for a conservative legal group that was sponsored in part by health care reform opponents involved in the very same litigation.  That’s like taking the wife and kids to your girlfriend’s birthday party all the while swearing that she doesn’t mean a thing to you.

Yeah I know… it sounds really fucked up when I put it that way.

Friday, November 11, 2011

First Amendment Faux Pas

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A little while back, first grade teacher Jennifer O’Brien posted she was a “warden for future criminals” on her Facebook page and this week a judge ruled she could be fired from her tenured job. Now I tend to agree but not for the comment but because anybody dumb enough to post something like that via the social media highway should not, under any circumstances, be allowed anywhere near the formative minds of young children. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m pretty sure she’s right but when you’re a teacher, those are your inside-your-head thoughts not barfing-on-Facebook thoughts.  

Now she does have the first amendment right to post whatever she likes on her Facebook, Twitter, and Google+ accounts but let’s be honest here, no one’s really hanging out on Google+ now that they’ve gotten used to the new Facebook layout. But I digress. 

My point is, she does have the right to post anything she likes within reason and by reason I mean the Patriot Act but that’s a rant for another day. That said, your First Amendment right only guarantees free speech, not employment. All I’m saying is that just because you have the right to say something doesn’t always mean you should. You don’t believe me, ask Gilbert Gottfried.

Now it was also rumored that a Middle School principal spent a weekend searching students Facebook pages and then suspended the ones that had foul language on their profiles. Of course that would defeat the purpose since it would just give them an additional 6 hours a day to talk more shit on Facebook. But I digress. 

Look, I don’t have all the answers, my head swims every time I try to get a grip on reality. I see shit like American Express hijacking Small Business Saturday, a cause meant to support small businesses. I mean how ironic is that? People… let’s not start taking long hot showers with American Express just yet. American Express will show support for ANY entity that accepts the American Express card for the exact same reason movie critics can’t stop talking about this week’s new release… IT’S THEIR JOB!!!

My point is, fuck “Small Business Saturday”, how about “Small Business Everyday”? And while you’re at it, lend a hand to the Occupy movement and leave your credit cards at home. 

Now I know that this latest news cycle has really cast a shadow on the Occupy movement so let me give you a little reminder of what they’re fighting for. I’ll begin by giving a shout-out to Coca-Cola and the Grand Canyon for reaching an accord regarding the sordid issue of plastic bottles and hefty donations.

You see, the Grand Canyon was all set to ban plastic bottles until Coca-Cola, the distributor of Dasani water AND major donor of over $13 million to the National Parks Foundation, pointed out how it would be awfully hard to justify donating so much money to our national parks if they weren’t allowed to destroy them. 

Of course you probably missed these news stories because of the Penn State child molestation and subsequent firing of the winningest coach in college football history, Joe Paterno. Now at the risk of my wife never ever speaking to me again, I’m gonna come right out and say that based on the facts, Joe Paterno is culpable for every child molested by Sandusky after he was informed of what was happening. Let’s be honest here, Joe Paterno had knowledge of the incident, nobody’s denying that; Joe Paterno informed his superiors of the incident, nobody’s denying that; Joe Paterno failed to call the police and sadly, nobody’s denying that either and therein lies the rub. To quote JoPa “Success without honor is an unseasoned dish; it will satisfy your hunger, but it won't taste good.” I’m betting he’d like a little salt right about now. 

Yeah I know… it sounds fucked up when I put it that way

Friday, November 4, 2011

How May I Help You?

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Okay, so a lot of us just can’t seem to make the time to get down to an Occupy event for whatever reason. Life is busy; especially when you have kids I get it. Maybe little Timmy’s got soccer practice, which when you think about it is really stupid because even little Timmy knows soccer will NEVER catch on in this country. But what the hell, at least the little shit’s getting some exercise. But I digress.

My point is, no matter how busy you think you are, you can still help by dining and shopping at family and locally owned businesses. The food alone is much better. I mean where would you rather go for Italian food; Olive Garden or Little Toni’s in North Hollywood? I’ll give you a hint; only one of them is a REAL Italian restaurant that doesn’t even have a website while the other is owned by the exact same corporation that also owns Red Lobster and Longhorn Steakhouse restaurants which means you’re not getting any family recipe handed down from generation to generation. What you are getting is food made by corporations for your institutional dining pleasure.  All pre-measured, pre-bagged, and ready to heat-n-serve.

Do you really think your 2 for .99 tacos contain 100% real beef? How about the cheeseburger on the dollar-value-times-are-tough menu? It’s neither cheese nor burger. If you paid a buck then chances are it’s a thin slice of yellow soy filler on a patty of sizzling hot brown soy filler. 

Look, the pilgrims didn’t jump off the boat and go shopping at Walmart. Yeah I know, there’s that whole taking shit from the native’s thing, which wasn’t cool at all but that’s for another rant. I’m just saying, corporate Amerika needs your holiday dollars like the cast of Jersey Shore needs movie deal. 

Now some of you might make the argument that boycotting corporations would cost jobs? Well considering our species just became 7 billion strong, we’ve already got more people then jobs. You see, people fuck like rabbits and they’re real stupid about it because somehow nature found a way to make men swear then can’t have sex with a condom and that they’ll promise to pull out. While jobs on the other hand pull out all the time. But I digress.

What I’m saying is knock it off with the babies right now. I mean seriously, it’s a vagina, not a fetus powered revolving door. If you’re married, fine, have one to replace each of you and maybe, maybe a third for spare parts BUT only if one of the originals is a bad copy. 

It’s our own fault, we started messing with Mother Nature the moment we invented the bicycle helmet and now kids are so over protected that defective units are slipping through the cracks and we’re overrun with broken floor models. 

With 7 billion people, I think it’s time we got back to our ‘survival of the fittest’ roots. Maybe we can start by putting Dingo ranches next to preschools or… STOP MAKING BABIES FOR A LITTLE WHILE!!!.

And don’t give me that we’re the superior race crap the planet isn’t ours. Look around you; do you REALLY think we’re the superior species? You think we’re smarter than dolphins? Why because we can rationalize AND have thumbs? Why do you think dolphins don’t have thumbs in the first place, evolution? No, it’s because they’ve seen what we’ve done with them.

Do you think we’re superior because we have sex for enjoyment? Well guess what, so do dolphins and, once again, they don’t have thumbs!!!  Do you think we’re superior because we can have orgasms? So do pigs and urban legend has it that they can last up to 30 minutes. Now I don’t know if this is true or not since I usually cum first and then fall asleep.

If you really think we’re superior then please explain to me how Michigan lawmakers can pass an anti-bullying law that actually includes a clause that makes it okay as long as it’s part of your religious or moral belief system. That’s like saying you can’t beat your wife unless you think she deserves it. I know… it sounds pretty fucked up when I put it that way.