How May I Help You?

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Okay, so a lot of us just can’t seem to make the time to get down to an Occupy event for whatever reason. Life is busy; especially when you have kids I get it. Maybe little Timmy’s got soccer practice, which when you think about it is really stupid because even little Timmy knows soccer will NEVER catch on in this country. But what the hell, at least the little shit’s getting some exercise. But I digress.

My point is, no matter how busy you think you are, you can still help by dining and shopping at family and locally owned businesses. The food alone is much better. I mean where would you rather go for Italian food; Olive Garden or Little Toni’s in North Hollywood? I’ll give you a hint; only one of them is a REAL Italian restaurant that doesn’t even have a website while the other is owned by the exact same corporation that also owns Red Lobster and Longhorn Steakhouse restaurants which means you’re not getting any family recipe handed down from generation to generation. What you are getting is food made by corporations for your institutional dining pleasure.  All pre-measured, pre-bagged, and ready to heat-n-serve.

Do you really think your 2 for .99 tacos contain 100% real beef? How about the cheeseburger on the dollar-value-times-are-tough menu? It’s neither cheese nor burger. If you paid a buck then chances are it’s a thin slice of yellow soy filler on a patty of sizzling hot brown soy filler. 

Look, the pilgrims didn’t jump off the boat and go shopping at Walmart. Yeah I know, there’s that whole taking shit from the native’s thing, which wasn’t cool at all but that’s for another rant. I’m just saying, corporate Amerika needs your holiday dollars like the cast of Jersey Shore needs movie deal. 

Now some of you might make the argument that boycotting corporations would cost jobs? Well considering our species just became 7 billion strong, we’ve already got more people then jobs. You see, people fuck like rabbits and they’re real stupid about it because somehow nature found a way to make men swear then can’t have sex with a condom and that they’ll promise to pull out. While jobs on the other hand pull out all the time. But I digress.

What I’m saying is knock it off with the babies right now. I mean seriously, it’s a vagina, not a fetus powered revolving door. If you’re married, fine, have one to replace each of you and maybe, maybe a third for spare parts BUT only if one of the originals is a bad copy. 

It’s our own fault, we started messing with Mother Nature the moment we invented the bicycle helmet and now kids are so over protected that defective units are slipping through the cracks and we’re overrun with broken floor models. 

With 7 billion people, I think it’s time we got back to our ‘survival of the fittest’ roots. Maybe we can start by putting Dingo ranches next to preschools or… STOP MAKING BABIES FOR A LITTLE WHILE!!!.

And don’t give me that we’re the superior race crap the planet isn’t ours. Look around you; do you REALLY think we’re the superior species? You think we’re smarter than dolphins? Why because we can rationalize AND have thumbs? Why do you think dolphins don’t have thumbs in the first place, evolution? No, it’s because they’ve seen what we’ve done with them.

Do you think we’re superior because we have sex for enjoyment? Well guess what, so do dolphins and, once again, they don’t have thumbs!!!  Do you think we’re superior because we can have orgasms? So do pigs and urban legend has it that they can last up to 30 minutes. Now I don’t know if this is true or not since I usually cum first and then fall asleep.

If you really think we’re superior then please explain to me how Michigan lawmakers can pass an anti-bullying law that actually includes a clause that makes it okay as long as it’s part of your religious or moral belief system. That’s like saying you can’t beat your wife unless you think she deserves it. I know… it sounds pretty fucked up when I put it that way.