Friday, October 21, 2011

Expansion Theory

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With the Occupy movement showing no signs of slowing, maybe it’s time for us to evolve. Isn’t that what we’re supposed to do, evolve? Aren’t WE supposed to be growing as a species? Isn’t it about time we gave up the “ME” mentality and began thinking outside the super-sized happy meal? And for those of you counting, yes that is the second time I’ve used that reference this week. But I digress.

Now I’m not suggesting some grand act of charity, nobody’s got time for that shit. But with roughly one out of every ten people now unemployed the house odds are high that you know somebody that needs a little help.  What little things could we each do for our unemployed friends? I know… how about we quit calling them bums? Can we at least start with that? 

Can we quit applauding politicians that demonstrate just how outta touch they are with reality every time they tell the unemployed to “Get a job”? Can we quit being douche-noodles towards our neighbors? Is it so wrong to NOT be surprised when a stranger tips their hat to you? And yes, I envision a world where we all where hats. But I digress.

Today’s unemployed was yesterday’s gainfully employed. Nobody’s out there taking a voluntary lay-off because their doctor told them to take it easy and live on dole for a while. They didn’t want to lose their job, their dignity, and in some cases their families? So can we at least, just for now, give these people a break? Besides, not being a douche-noodle is lot less expensive then it used to be. In fact it costs nothing but will help rebuild the life that Wall $treet, financial de-regulation, and the SEC, which is so spineless it blows itself to sleep every night, took from them.

You know what, now would also be a pretty good time to quit manufacturing crap that we don’t need. I mean seriously, how many collectible plates do you need before you realize you should probably buy a sundress and get laid? How many different video game attachments do you need for your P$4 Xbox720? Look, there should only be one game. One in which the goal is to solve the world’s problems.  And when a 12-year-old solves it parents everywhere will have no choice but to shut the hell up and let their children finish a sentence or two. My point is, we’re always saying how our children will inherit the earth, well… let them fix it, clearly we’re not up to the job.

And while we’re at it, lets level the field in both the House and Senate. I don’t know about you but I believe every lawmaker should make the average median and not the combined income of their constituents. How the hell is anyone able to relate to the middle class when they get nervous every time the middle class drives through their gated communities? And when exactly did politics become a career? Who woke up one day and said, “Ya know… there’s gold in them thar coffers”? 

Politics in this country has become a booming industry. Hell, I’d venture to say it ‘s the number one employer and if I was a betting man, I’d put all my dough into Kinkos because as this 4 year campaign cycle enters it’s fourth quad-mester, those apron wearing keepers of the toner are gonna be busy. But I digress. 

Look, I know politics provides jobs and it generates revenue for various economies… just like coal mining, offshore drilling, and the whaling industry. Yeah I know… it sounds pretty fucked up when I put it that way. But once again, I digress.

Perhaps we should quit trying to be an empire, a nasty little habit we clearly got from our British ancestors, and focus more on home. Let another country be Libya’s best friend. Oh sure, their crude oil is some of the most desirable in the world and it requires very little refining. But sewage like that should no longer concern us. Instead, why don’t we REALLY try to get the fossil fueled monkey off our backs? Wouldn’t it be great to be energy independent from the rest of the world? Wouldn’t it be grand if we invaded a country to stop REAL atrocities against humanity? Let’s face it; if our cars ran on Darfurians, our troops would have been boots down in Darfur the moment we found a refugee camp. If we got our energy from alternative sources we wouldn’t have to see Gadhafi’s bloody corpse all over YouTube!!! That man was ugly enough when he was alive. My point is, let France or Spain deal with crazy for a while, we need a break.

The Occupy movement has stated that it does not wish to become a political party and I have to ask… ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Look, these knuckleheads in DC are not going to change so some of you are just going to have to step up to the plate and make this shit happen. I mean seriously, what harm could come of having someone in office that just wants to do the job right the first time so they can get home in time to see the game?

I think this is an excellent opportunity to create a third party. You’ve already shown more dedication, got more credibility, and make much more sense then the tea party. You don’t believe me? How many World Tea Bagging days do you recall?

Friday, October 7, 2011

Death of a News Cycle

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There was talk earlier this week about the Occupy Wall $treet protest possibly developing into an actual political party. And I remember thinking “why not?” Look how powerful the Tea Party became and those people are retards. 

But seriously why not? After all, they’re meeting everyday to form a general consensus of their demands AND they spell check their protest signs. In just three weeks, they’ve accomplished more then Congress has all year. 

Just like the Tea Party, they’re mad as hell but rather then slamming on the brakes of every car on the crazy train, they’re actually experimenting with a new and never before heard of negotiating technique where the word “No” is the last stop for an idea, not the first.  

More importantly, the media was finally starting to not only cover but pundit and pontificate all over the protest like it was a needy party girl with presidency issues. Sadly, this lasted only a nanosecond because that very same afternoon, Amanda Knox had her conviction overturned. And just like that, we witnessed the birth of a news cycle. 

And when it became obvious that Amanda Knox just wasn’t pretty enough to captivate the nation for more than  18 hours, Apple stepped up to the plate and rolled out its new iPhone 4s which sent iPhone junkies around the globe on a mission of unparalleled autistic like single mindedness in a drive to obtain the newest “must have”.

And then… well then the news cycle kicked into high gear when Steve Jobs passed away, eliciting millions upon millions of tributes, praise, and condolences from around the globe. All of a sudden the most important thing in social media was making sure the entire world knew they were behind Steve and his family 100 percent of the way.  And yet in all that praise, all that memoriam, and all those tributes not one person paid homage to Steve Jobs crowning achievement… making obsolescence desirable. 

Steve was a magician when it came to planned obsolescence. Why do you think the iPad STILL doesn’t a USB port? Because he knew you’d sell your wife’s soiled panties just so you could be the first on your block to have the iPad with wings. 

Hell, they’re not even trying to hide the fact that today’s gadget is tomorrow’s penny-whistle. Some stores even guarantee a “buy back” price so you’ll fell better about yourself when you drop $399.99 for the newest soon-to-be obsolete piece of silicon. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t an indictment against Mr. Jobs, after all, he was simply giving us what we asked for, obsolescence. 

But Steve’s death needn’t be in vain. It should serve as a lesson to billionaires everywhere; cancer doesn’t care how much money you have, it doesn’t want your wallet, just your life. Dying in silk pajamas is still dying. 

Which brings us to the tenth anniversary of the war in Afghanistan AND the death of this particular news cycle. In case you forgot, we’re still occupying an entire country and spending millions of dollars every day in order to capture, torture, or kill 50-100 al Qaeda operatives… yeah I know… it sounds really fucked up when I put it that way.