How Much?!?!

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Look, we all pretty much agree that the government is too big. Unfortunately, we can’t all agree on what to cut. Liberals wanna cut defense, Republicans wanna cut social safety nets, Tea Partiers don’t care what you cut, just so long as you cut something and cut it to the quick, and Conservatives… well Conservative want you to pay the fire department before they put out your deep-fried turkey flare-up.

So what IS too much government? Is it too much government when they prevent Wall $treet from tanking the economy? Is it too much government when they prevent Marcellus Shale from turning kitchen faucets into fuel pumps? I wouldn’t know because apparently those regulations are as real as Santa Claus who, incidentally, won’t be visiting little Timmy AGAIN!!! But I digress.

I have an idea, why don’t we get rid of all government regulations for a period of oh… let’s say 90 days. That’s right, no rules, no regulations AND… no laws.  Be it rape or zoning, no government interference for 90 days. Anyone left standing after 90 days gets to vote on a brand new set of government regulations and TRUST me… there will be government regulations. 

You think the EPA is a job-killing monster? Really? Because of the EPA most corporations have entire departments dedicated to maintaining compliance with EPA regulations. Others have entire departments dedicated to the circumvention of EPA regulations. And that’s not even counting the 18000 people employed by EPA.  Saying the EPA is a job killer is like saying prostitution saves marriages. The only thing the EPA is killing is corporate Amerika’s buzz.

You know who really wants the EPA abolished, pharmaceutical companies that’s who. Because once the EPA is out of the way, cancer clusters will pop-up quicker then acne on a ninth-grader. And every time another patient is diagnosed with cancer a drug rep gets their wings… or something like that. So yeah, we should probably keep the EPA. In fact, we should probably give them guns. But I digress.

Why the hell are we looking to congress for jobs anyway, it’s not like they can wave a magic rent boy’s wand and create jobs. I mean seriously, do you really want a job created by THIS congress? We’re on our own people; time to create our own jobs. 

Look, I know we ALL can’t create our own jobs but I also know there are plenty of us out there that can and just haven’t been inspired yet. Well how’s this for inspiration; every time someone creates their own job, a executive gets caught fucking the babysitter. Every time someone hangs their own shingle, corporate Amerika is weakened just a little more. 

It doesn’t have to be anything new and exciting, you can wash cars in your neighborhood, go door-to-door with a screw driver offering to tighten loose screws and if you’re a handsome lad, loose women. 

Whatever happened to those guys that used to go door-to-door spray painting addresses on the curb? Well how’s this for a fresh spin on that old idea, offer to spray paint the wrong address on the curb. Never receive another collection notice again. 

Look this IS the “do something great” moment you’ve been waiting for; did you think it would just come on a sunny afternoon when you’d just finished masturbating and hadn’t a care in the world? Nope, they usually arrive the moment you realize you’re out of toilet paper

My point is, if you want that job, go out there and create it. Who knows, maybe you’ll be successful enough to hire someone that couldn’t create their own job. And every time THAT happens… a babysitter is caught fucking a corporate executive. But I digress.

Expansion Theory

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With the Occupy movement showing no signs of slowing, maybe it’s time for us to evolve. Isn’t that what we’re supposed to do, evolve? Aren’t WE supposed to be growing as a species? Isn’t it about time we gave up the “ME” mentality and began thinking outside the super-sized happy meal? And for those of you counting, yes that is the second time I’ve used that reference this week. But I digress.

Now I’m not suggesting some grand act of charity, nobody’s got time for that shit. But with roughly one out of every ten people now unemployed the house odds are high that you know somebody that needs a little help.  What little things could we each do for our unemployed friends? I know… how about we quit calling them bums? Can we at least start with that? 

Can we quit applauding politicians that demonstrate just how outta touch they are with reality every time they tell the unemployed to “Get a job”? Can we quit being douche-noodles towards our neighbors? Is it so wrong to NOT be surprised when a stranger tips their hat to you? And yes, I envision a world where we all where hats. But I digress.

Today’s unemployed was yesterday’s gainfully employed. Nobody’s out there taking a voluntary lay-off because their doctor told them to take it easy and live on dole for a while. They didn’t want to lose their job, their dignity, and in some cases their families? So can we at least, just for now, give these people a break? Besides, not being a douche-noodle is lot less expensive then it used to be. In fact it costs nothing but will help rebuild the life that Wall $treet, financial de-regulation, and the SEC, which is so spineless it blows itself to sleep every night, took from them.

You know what, now would also be a pretty good time to quit manufacturing crap that we don’t need. I mean seriously, how many collectible plates do you need before you realize you should probably buy a sundress and get laid? How many different video game attachments do you need for your P$4 Xbox720? Look, there should only be one game. One in which the goal is to solve the world’s problems.  And when a 12-year-old solves it parents everywhere will have no choice but to shut the hell up and let their children finish a sentence or two. My point is, we’re always saying how our children will inherit the earth, well… let them fix it, clearly we’re not up to the job.

And while we’re at it, lets level the field in both the House and Senate. I don’t know about you but I believe every lawmaker should make the average median and not the combined income of their constituents. How the hell is anyone able to relate to the middle class when they get nervous every time the middle class drives through their gated communities? And when exactly did politics become a career? Who woke up one day and said, “Ya know… there’s gold in them thar coffers”? 

Politics in this country has become a booming industry. Hell, I’d venture to say it ‘s the number one employer and if I was a betting man, I’d put all my dough into Kinkos because as this 4 year campaign cycle enters it’s fourth quad-mester, those apron wearing keepers of the toner are gonna be busy. But I digress. 

Look, I know politics provides jobs and it generates revenue for various economies… just like coal mining, offshore drilling, and the whaling industry. Yeah I know… it sounds pretty fucked up when I put it that way. But once again, I digress.

Perhaps we should quit trying to be an empire, a nasty little habit we clearly got from our British ancestors, and focus more on home. Let another country be Libya’s best friend. Oh sure, their crude oil is some of the most desirable in the world and it requires very little refining. But sewage like that should no longer concern us. Instead, why don’t we REALLY try to get the fossil fueled monkey off our backs? Wouldn’t it be great to be energy independent from the rest of the world? Wouldn’t it be grand if we invaded a country to stop REAL atrocities against humanity? Let’s face it; if our cars ran on Darfurians, our troops would have been boots down in Darfur the moment we found a refugee camp. If we got our energy from alternative sources we wouldn’t have to see Gadhafi’s bloody corpse all over YouTube!!! That man was ugly enough when he was alive. My point is, let France or Spain deal with crazy for a while, we need a break.

The Occupy movement has stated that it does not wish to become a political party and I have to ask… ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? Look, these knuckleheads in DC are not going to change so some of you are just going to have to step up to the plate and make this shit happen. I mean seriously, what harm could come of having someone in office that just wants to do the job right the first time so they can get home in time to see the game?

I think this is an excellent opportunity to create a third party. You’ve already shown more dedication, got more credibility, and make much more sense then the tea party. You don’t believe me? How many World Tea Bagging days do you recall?

Death of a News Cycle

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There was talk earlier this week about the Occupy Wall $treet protest possibly developing into an actual political party. And I remember thinking “why not?” Look how powerful the Tea Party became and those people are retards. 

But seriously why not? After all, they’re meeting everyday to form a general consensus of their demands AND they spell check their protest signs. In just three weeks, they’ve accomplished more then Congress has all year. 

Just like the Tea Party, they’re mad as hell but rather then slamming on the brakes of every car on the crazy train, they’re actually experimenting with a new and never before heard of negotiating technique where the word “No” is the last stop for an idea, not the first.  

More importantly, the media was finally starting to not only cover but pundit and pontificate all over the protest like it was a needy party girl with presidency issues. Sadly, this lasted only a nanosecond because that very same afternoon, Amanda Knox had her conviction overturned. And just like that, we witnessed the birth of a news cycle. 

And when it became obvious that Amanda Knox just wasn’t pretty enough to captivate the nation for more than  18 hours, Apple stepped up to the plate and rolled out its new iPhone 4s which sent iPhone junkies around the globe on a mission of unparalleled autistic like single mindedness in a drive to obtain the newest “must have”.

And then… well then the news cycle kicked into high gear when Steve Jobs passed away, eliciting millions upon millions of tributes, praise, and condolences from around the globe. All of a sudden the most important thing in social media was making sure the entire world knew they were behind Steve and his family 100 percent of the way.  And yet in all that praise, all that memoriam, and all those tributes not one person paid homage to Steve Jobs crowning achievement… making obsolescence desirable. 

Steve was a magician when it came to planned obsolescence. Why do you think the iPad STILL doesn’t a USB port? Because he knew you’d sell your wife’s soiled panties just so you could be the first on your block to have the iPad with wings. 

Hell, they’re not even trying to hide the fact that today’s gadget is tomorrow’s penny-whistle. Some stores even guarantee a “buy back” price so you’ll fell better about yourself when you drop $399.99 for the newest soon-to-be obsolete piece of silicon. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t an indictment against Mr. Jobs, after all, he was simply giving us what we asked for, obsolescence. 

But Steve’s death needn’t be in vain. It should serve as a lesson to billionaires everywhere; cancer doesn’t care how much money you have, it doesn’t want your wallet, just your life. Dying in silk pajamas is still dying. 

Which brings us to the tenth anniversary of the war in Afghanistan AND the death of this particular news cycle. In case you forgot, we’re still occupying an entire country and spending millions of dollars every day in order to capture, torture, or kill 50-100 al Qaeda operatives… yeah I know… it sounds really fucked up when I put it that way.

Party of Three

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Look, I'm done playing the left against the right against the conservatives against the tea party against puppies! Because when the smoke finally clears, we'll discover that we've been fighting against the best interests of all of the above! And then... we'll blame illegal immigrants.

So what now? I mean, here I've finally reached the end of the maze and much to my surprise, there wasn't a single fucking piece of cheese. Oh, It wasn't moved, it was NEVER THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE!!!. 

All I found was just another reason to engage in more rhetoric. Just another opportunity to listen to pundits trash opposing pundits and then call it a successful day for their side, comforted in the knowledge that as long as today's problems don't get solved, they still have a job. So please Ed Schultz, tell us again just how evil Bill O'Reilly is and please, please, please Mr. O'Reilly, do tell just how Jon Stewart is warping what's left of the politically formative minds of today's MTV generation. Of course I'm referring to the ones that Jersey Shore missed.

This is INSANITY people. And as everybody knows, insanity is doing the same thing over and over and over again expecting the outcome to be different. Or as they call it on the floors of the house and senate… "Work".

The public is just now awakening from a very deep consumer fueled sleep. Aging tea partiers are beginning to see the importance of social safety nets such as Medicare and Social Security. They may not want a black man to be president but they sure don't mind if he takes their blood pressure and writes them a prescription just so long as it's covered under their Medicare parts A, B, or C. Oh, and before they reduce the government, could they please do something about that fucking Part D donut hole? 

We're waking up like a wife from a "Cheating Husband" dream, we're pissed but don't know what the fuck to do about it. It's time for a real, viable third party, one that represents "We the People" not "We the Corporation". We need somebody from the Middle Class there to protect the Middle Class. How many of our lawmakers are Middle Class? I'm not talking $250k per year Middle Class, I'm talking 38k-60k per year Middle Class. HOW MANY?!?!?! 

We need somebody that's not afraid to look directly into the lens of the CSPAN cameras and scream "ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?". We need a third party, a people’s party. And if the term "people’s party" conjures up images of communism then perhaps your three-cornered hat is just a tad too tight for your misshapen head. But I digress.

So why Wall $treet? Because when I bounce a check they charge me $35.00 but when they bounce the economy we give them $700,000,000,000.00. Yeah, I know they paid it back but they didn't pay us back for what they stole from "We the People". You know, things like affordable health care, retirement accounts, and jobs. Remember jobs? You know, that thing you hated going to but did it anyway because you were addicted to food?

Now I'm not going to pin the responsibility to create jobs on Congress for the simple fact that if jobs were so important to Congress then they would be doing their jobs correctly. You can't get through to these people. It's like trying to describe the picture quality of your brand new LED flat screen to Stevie Wonder. Oh sure, he'll nod his head in agreement but he really has no idea what the hell you are talking about and truly wishes you would just shut up and get back on the bus that brought you to his doorstep. Our politicians show up to town halls, shake some hands, count the money, and leave. You're feeling all warm and fuzzy because you just donated to your favorite candidate, meanwhile they're in the back of a limo slathering themselves with Purell just to get the stench of constituents off their hands before it ruins their $2000.00 suit. 

Today's politicians are nothing more than elected lobbyists and THAT my friend is why we've landed on Wall $treet.

Your turn now - Economy

Hiring in U.S. Slowed in May With 54,000 Jobs Added

"The Labor Department reported on last Friday that the nation added 54,000 nonfarm payroll jobs last month, after an increase of about 220,000 jobs in each of the three previous months. The gain in May was about a third of what economists had been forecasting. The unemployment rate, meanwhile, edged up to 9.1 percent from 9.0 percent in April."

Look, I'm tired of blaming our lack of jobs on politics. Politics already gets blamed for so many other things; like the erectile dysfunction one experiences at the mere thought of Michelle Bachman's name on a presidential ballot.

Isn't it time we quit blaming politics for all of society's problems? Look, this shit ain't gonna be over in another month or two, hell, we've been in this mess since the Fall of '08, which means this 'slump' has outlasted 2 of my 4 marriages. There will be no Christmas miracle this year and NEXT summer, it's 'Stacations' for the lot of you.

If you want to see our economy change then you're going to have to roll up your sleeves and hang a shingle of some sort and start generating income on your own… just like our ancestors did before learning how to take land from the natives.

Now I know this all sounds like it just might be a little too much work, believe me, I understand. But unless you know something that I don't, waiting for Amerika, Inc. to save the day is like waiting for Santa Claus on Christmas Eve… by now, you're old enough to know better.

Seriously, the only way your government will help you now is if you're a millionaire… OR a country we have bombed, are bombing, or are eventually going to bomb.

© Johnny Dam